Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
