Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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