Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
