1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
