Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
