my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Randomize
