It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
