Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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