All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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