don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
