I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
