Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
