fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
