Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sext me about skeletons
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
