i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
