8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
