i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
