I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My ATM looks so different sober.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
