once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
