If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
