Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
