I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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