i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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