I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
