Are we in a gay sports bar?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
