he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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