I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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