I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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