Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
