I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
