my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
