i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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