Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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