Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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