I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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