I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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