There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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