I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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