all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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