so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
