My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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