He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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