barbara walters just said penis...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He has the fingertips of a God
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