I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So vagazzling was a success
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
