Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Barsexuality is the new black.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
So many bounce houses so little time
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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