wakey wakey hands off snakey
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
