If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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