he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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