she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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