Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
