Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
